It was a bad call.

2 deaths, 2 ICU admissions.

One patient even collapsed on me. It was so long ago when I did my last CPR that my Registrar actually growled at me for doing the compression the wrong way ( It's too embarassing to elaborate the situation).

Sigh.

I hate certifying the deaths.

I hate going to their bedside with the families around crying their hearts out
I hate touching their cold skin, placing my stethoscope on the chest for 2 minutes and hear nothing.
I hate moving their heads examining the eyes looking for Doll's Sign.
I hate seeing their pupils fixed and dilated.
I hate turning to the families with a solemn face and announce that : XX has passed away on XX time.

This early morning I stared at the dead woman wondering when is my turn to die like this?
Her face was yellow, or rather sallow,
Her mouth was slightly opened,
Her skin was so cold....
Will I be just like this 4o years down the track?
It is beyond my imagination to think further.

Am I able to pass away without having many regrets in life?
Will I leave this world thinking I have enjoyed my life to the fullest?

I doubt it.

I need to sleep.

* Dreaming is like lollies to the souls_ 11:29 PM